Running Around (and Such)

In case you haven't heard, Amish romance novels are hot right now. Jokingly referred to as "bonnet rippers" they are proving to be a huge cash cow for certain publishing houses. Now, if you are imagining graphic depictions of wild hayloft sex and clothes being torn off in buggies, you've got the wrong idea. They aren't that kind of romance novel. They are romance novels for people whose favorite thing about Jane Austen is not the witty dialogue and engrossing characters, but the depiction of an imagined "simpler time." Well, the Amish are supposedly the simplest of the simple--People who take being buttoned up so seriously that they consider buttons vain and hold all their clothes together with blacksmith-forged chastity pins.

I think I can speak for at least some Mennonites when I say this mainstream fascination with our Amish brethren is both amusing and a little unnerving. People tend to treat the Amish as somewhere between weirdo freaks to gawk at or representatives of an adorable moral utopia. So my sense of morbid curiosity was trilled when my mother got me an Amish romance novel for Christmas. Her choice was Linda Byler's Running Around (and Such) which is part 1 of a 3 book series called "Lizze Searches for Love." The selling point of this book is that it is written by a real Amish writer, and published by one of the main Mennonite Publishing houses (Good Books, from Intercourse, PA-- seriously).

So I read it. And it was terrible. I was hoping that either a) it would end up being surprisingly good or b) it would be hilariously campy. Instead it committed the worst of book sins- it was just boring. First of all, nothing actually happens in the book. There was no story arc, rise in tension, or really any event that seemed to carry over to be important later. Major plot points included:

-Mam gets really sick! But then she is fine.

-One of the horses gets really sick! But then it is fine.

-Lizzie starts a new school and meets new people! But then she graduates and doesn't see those people again.

-Lizzie is worried about getting snowed in at a neighbor's house! But then someone takes her home and it is fine.

-Everyone goes skating!

Secondly, very little of this book has anything to do with romance. Yes, it is book 1 of 3, so I didn't expect the first in the series to end with a wedding, but the presence of strapping Amish lads was downright pathetic. The back of the book lures you in with the promise of three thrilling suitors: shy Stephen, charming Amos, and the mysterious (and non-Amish!) egg truck man. Well, SPOILER ALERT, Stephen shows up on one page about half way through and then surfaces again near the end of the book, Amos doesn't show up until page 272, and the egg-truck man was a major two-chapter disappointment. He turns out to be a sketchy middle-aged man with an Amish fetish who tries to put the moves on Lizzy when she smiles at him too much. And as a grand reminder of the drawbacks of "old-fashioned" views on women and sexuality, Lizzie's family makes her feel like a whore for "flirting" with the man when CLEARLY the blame lies with the dude who thinks a smile gave him a pass to get handsy with a 15 year-old. Anyway, instead of secret glances exchanged at church and stolen kisses in the barn, most of the book features the main character complaining about her chores and how she can't be "perfect" like her older sister. I think this is supposed to make her "spirited" and "quirky" but she comes off as annoying and whiny.

In the end, I think the mistake was going with an Amish writer. Authenticity can only hurt the genre. An Amish romance should be full of muscles rippling during a barn raising and bonnets coming askew in a stiff gust of wind- not detailed descriptions of what it is like to pluck feathers off a chicken. Plus, the Amish only get an 8th grade education. Not to sound like an East-Coast elitist, but maybe their writing skills aren't top notch.

So maybe next time I should go with one written by an Englisher. There are certainly plenty to choose from.